Wednesday, June 25, 2014

I think i can. I think I can. I think I can.

Most of the time I don't feel like an adult. Not in the immature make bad decisions because "like everything is so like totally like awesome like" way, but more in the adults making adult decisions about huge life problems, sort of way. The day we had to make the decision to remove my dads ventilator was the worst adult day ever. I've always known I could do "hard" things, but up until this point "hard" meant running a half marathon, or trying to put both feet behind my head, or not punching in the throat the overly rude and hurtful lady in the walmart checkout line. The only thing that came close was losing my sweet grandma a year ago, but even then I didn't have to be an adult.

While the decisions leading up to my dads passing were hard, and his passing even harder, one thing is certain: After the ventilator was out our dad was able to communicate with us for a few short moments and For the first time in months his mind seemed clear, he seemed like he knew exactly what was happening. He was calm, he was happy, he was loving, he was once again him.  He knew where he was going, he knew who he was going to see, he knew how glorious it was bound to be as he crossed the veil. Soon after we took the ventilator out my dad told us all he loved us and then told us to "take a picture."  Then my dad was given some medicine for anxiety to help him rest peacefully. 4 hours later he passed away. Were we ready? Not in the slightest. Was he ready? Absolutely!

My dad loved me with all his heart, I never doubted that. He loved so fully and so beautifully. He did everything in his power to bring me happiness and joy in my life. He taught me how to be an adult, and when it really mattered, to make the hard adult decisions that seem too hard to make. I am certain my dad is experiencing joy beyond our comprehension right this moment, and I am certain I will see him again and hug him again. Until then I will miss him every single day. I will make him proud every single day. And I will live worthy to be his daughter every single day. Because he taught me that I can do hard things (although I am no longer able to put my legs behind my head, I know you were wondering).

Thank you so much to all of you who have helped carry me and my family through this hard time. I have been amazed and humbled at the outpouring of love, cards, flowers, meals, phone calls, visits, and hugs that we have received. We are truly surrounded by amazing people! Thank you from every bit of my heart!


Julianne Howes said...

Thank you for sharing this. I've had your family in my prayers and have been strengthened by your faith and words.

Jem said...

That was so perfect and beautiful, Amy. I have tears brimming while at work. You were so blessed to have such a great relationship with him. You are amazing.